Is My Southern Showin'?

Southerners have a way with words.  Dripping with honey... lubricated with sweet tea... drawn out through a velvet drawl... Our vocabulary is as colorful as our heritage and applied with molasses liberally over all we come in contact with.  Only a Southerner can get by with calling both their waitress and their mechanic "Hon" without drawing so much as a raised eyebrow.  "Hon" is just our way of politely acknowledging you.  Yours Truely cannot imagine a day going by without uttering "hon" at least a half dozen times through the course of day.  What else would one say?  "Hey you" is just so common, not to mention rude...

To Yours Truely, however, while "hon" can be applied to anyone from birth to grave.... "darlin'" is reserved for those especially close to your heart... The Boy may occasionally cringe, but receives the coveted term from Yours Truely on a semi-regular basis... at least when he's on good behavior.  The only other person currently eligable for the honor is my girlfriend.  She is my darlin'... a term she hears daily from Yours Truely.  (After all, "Absolutely, Darlin'" and "Yes indeedy, Darlin'" are two terms any Southerner who hopes to keep their gal happy should learn and apply liberally...)

In a recent New Year's post, Yours Truely spoke of the need for a proper pseudonym for my girlfriend... after all, The GF is already in use.  We tossed around a few ideas, including MML for My Main Lady that was suggested by a friend... but nothing felt right to me.  It had to be just right.... she was my darlin' after all... and then the lightbulb went off!  So Dear Reader... without further ado, please allow Yours Truely to introduce... My Darlin'.  (The following has been added to the Cast Of Characters for future generations edification and enlightenment.)

My Darlin' (Yours Truely's girlfriend) - A bubbly, passionate personality equally at home on horseback or poised on high heels.  She's been accused of resembling Sandra Bullock... but Yours Truely see a wee bit of Claudia Christian in her as well.  An animal lover, her household includes... a horse, a bearded lizard, a raccoon, and two dogs.... Oh, and a six year old son.   She's a patient, loving mother... a hard task with any energetic, young child.  Just the sound of her voice lifts Yours Truely's spirits and fills my heart.

Giving Thanks...

T'is the season yet again... and I've been sorely neglecting my duties as a blogger.  Lately I've been receiving some gentle prodding to get back to writing... yes, you!  I really have missed sharing and venting with you all.  Not going to make any promises... but I'll attempt to keep you all updated and amused on a more regular basis from now on.

What I'm thankful for this year...

Becoming an Ex-Smoker... I'm still vaping away on my eCig (electronic cigarette) and loving it.  Finally I can smell / taste / breath again... without hacking up a lung daily.  I haven't felt this good since I was a teenager! 

New Friends and Unexpected Family...  While transitioning from smoking to vaping, I joined a couple of forums... for support and information.  There I found a new online home with some of the most wonderful, caring people I've had the pleasure to meet... I found family.  We all check in on each other... rejoicing in each other's victories, sharing in the sorrows and lightening the load of the daily grind.  A couple of my online friends are getting married next year... Guess who got asked by the groom to be the Best Person... big grin....  I'm going to look good in a tux!

One of my favorite authors, Richard Bach, said it best in his book Illusions - The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah... "The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life.  Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof."  (More quotes from Richard Bach... If you've never read this one, you really should... it's fun and offers some wonderful insights!  He's best known for writing "Jonathan Livingston Seagull") 

Rediscovering Love... Not only did I find friends and family on the forums... I found a wonderfully, amazing woman to share my life with.  (Now you know why I've been neglecting you all... but I'm sure you understand... don't you...) While our's is still a long distance relationship at this point, we're making plans to change that.  Meanwhile... thank god for unlimited phone plans!  My fondest memory of the year... meeting her for the first time... losing myself in her smile... and realizing just how much I do love her.  (I know... I know... more another time...)

Family... Issues and all... About to undergo a 6 hour round trip to eat Thanksgiving dinner with G-Ma and the Brothers at Shoney's (G-Ma's choice what can I say)... They may be quirky and make you cringe at times, but I love them dearly just the same. 

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

The Milestone of Matriculation

Well, The Boy and The GF have finally matriculated.  They are currently in that starry-eyed limbo between high school and college... between PlayStation and summer jobs.  Yours Truely and G-Ma are just beginning to recover after having sat through two ceremonies... in a row.  Thankfully, The GF's mother surprised us all with a celebratory cake inbetween, which gave us enough of a sugar surge to deal with the next round of speeches.  You could tell how excited The Boy was.  All you had to do was watch him spring to his feet when they asked the graduating class to rise.  You'd of thought someone stuck him with a pin the way he popped out of that chair!

Today The Boy struggled through the obligatory Thank You cards that follow graduation giving.  Of course, family rules of etiquette had to be hammered out first...

"No, you don't have to send a card to Brother1 for the 'I took an IQ test... and it came back negative' ballcap that he sent along with G-Ma.  You should, however, mention it in your card to G-Ma. This will assist in keeping the level of negativity at G-Ma's house to a minimum. 

No, you don't have to send a card to Brother2 for the Graduation 'Smiley' he texted to you. A simple 'ty' should suffice. Please send the "ty" now, however, as he's already texted me several times to ensure you did indeed receive his "gift".

Please write legibly... in complete sentences.  Each card must include more then "Thank you for the money.  Sincerely..."  You must include at least one sentence about how this gift will help with college purchases.  Again, legibly... other people should be able to decipher the message... without requiring a translator."

After looking over the completed cards, The Boy and I had a discussion on the importance of handwriting in a technical society.  He insists that keyboarding skills are all that one needs in this day and age.  Meanwhile, I'm trying to resist the temptation to re-write a few of the (non-family) cards myself... especially those to co-workers.  The fact that each is identical should speed the job along, though. 

Phone Calls from the edge...

lEvery time I hear a "Crazy Frog" ringtone, my stomuch clinches and I have to take a few deep, calming breaths.  You know the tone.... "BaDingDingDing..." annoyingly going on forever! It really only drives me crazy because for some sadistic reason it's the tone assigned to G-Ma on my cell phone.  Yes, I could change the ringer, but then again why not use something that's already annoying rather then spoiling a perfectly good tone?  Just G-Ma's name popping up has the same effect anyway.

Don't get me wrong... I love hearing from G-Ma.  It's just that the resulting need to de-stress afterwards means that time must be planned out accordingly.  A two hour window is the minimum requirement, as a solid hour must be allowed for the call itself.  Accordingly, it's always best if I initiate the call... This allows me to first brew a pot of coffee, locate the asprin (handy in case chest pains or severe migrains occur), run to the corner store for an extra pack of cigarettes, and warn The Boy of the impending call.  Once adequately prepared... little further is required from me.  A simple "Hi, mom.  How're you doing?" is all it takes to start this carny ride.  Throw in a few "um-hummm"s and hold on!!  Commenting... or thinking about it too much... well, to quote Admiral Akbar "It's a trap!"  Though I must admit a lot of it is funny... too much can lead to symptoms strangely resembling a stroke.

"I went over to your brother's the other day.  He hadn't cleaned up the place in days!  You'd be proud of me though. I gave him a good piece of my mind about how he had to do better and the consequences of his behavior.  It only took me 15 minutes to do those dishes!  Why he puts these thing off, I'll never know!.... What are you laughing at?.... What do you mean you'll have to piss me off someday?"

"Your brother calls me all the time!  He'll talk to me driving to work, when he's on his rounds, during his lunch break, driving home.... I swear he must call 20 times a day just to chat!  I can't get anything done for answering the phone!  Why he called me the other day driving home during a terrible snow storm!  Had me so worried that he'd wreck talking on the phone!  Seemed to take forever before he finally got home... talking all the way!... What?... Well I've tried hinting that I'm busy.... Hang up!!  That would just be rude!"

(same brother... different day)  "I haven't heard from your brother all day! I'm convinced something's wrong!  Maybe I should drive over there... or call the hospitals.... I can't call his phone!  He'll think I'm checking up on him!"

"Your brother insists on coming over here to call his ex-wife!  It's so uncomfortable listening to them argue on and on... I've tried to tell his ex how to handle him, but she doesn't listen anymore then he does.... Well, he asks me to stay on the line after I call her for him.... Because she won't answer if she sees his number and he says he wants a witness.  It's more of a control thing really so he can say 'You heard that!'.  Of course I know I should let him handle it on his own.... You know how he gets... One wrong word and he'll argue for hours.... It's easier just to make the call. Otherwise he'll insist that I'm treating him like a child and nothing I say will pacify him!... Well, just wait until The Boy gets older... then you'll understand!"  (Shoot me now!)

"Did I tell you that Brother2 went to court to get a restraining order on his ex?  No?.... well, I went with him... he wouldn't tell me what'd been going on, but obviously she'd come by his place a few times. (his ex lives out of state) She wrote him a letter that he won't let me read.  I was surprised when she and her father both showed up in court.  The Judge was real patient with Brother2.... asking him if his ex had ever threatened him.  He told her (thejudge) that she'd pushed him once.  Eventually the Judge said that she had tried to find a reason to grant the restraining order, but just could find any evidence of abuse.  She asked if he had anything else to add.  The Judge had to call for order when he told her 'Well Judge... She keeps calling me, wanting me to come back... and... well.... I don't want her any more!'  Why even the Court Bailiff had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing!  The Judge did give his ex a lecture though and told her to quit bothering him."

"There was a bottle of peroxide in Brother1's bathroom.  Well, he must have used it all up because there's an economy sized bottle sitting on the floor next to the toilet now.  I asked Brother2 if I could ask a personal question.... Could that he be using that for.... something.... you know.... sexual?.... Why are you laughing?... I don't know what all guys do!.... Anyway, Brother2 suggested it might be for a body piercing that had gotten infected.  No, Brother1's hasn't mentioned a piercing.  So... we looked up body piercing and infections on the internet and Brother2 called a tatoo parlor to ask if someone would use peroxide for that.... You're laughing again!.... Ask him?!?  That would just be too embarrassing..... don't you think?" (Now you know the full story)

"Well, I have to get off here.  How're you all doing?.... That's nice.  Hug The Boy for me.  Love you.. Bye."

Deep, calming breaths.... Time to make that weekly call.  Wish me luck!

Next Post: Round 'n Round It Goes... 

Taking the plunge....

My son suggested starting a blog as an alternative to talking to him about all the insanity that comprises my life. Of course, being 18 (almost) the suggestion came out in a more "I really don't care.... Blog it" way. The more I thought about it though, the more I came to realize that he might have something there... whether he meant to really be helpful or not.

Without further ado, welcome reader to the first installation of the "Galloping Insanity" blog! If you're curious about the title, it's based on a quote from one of my favorite movies, "Arsenic and Old Lace". Cary Grant's comment that "Insanity doesn't run in my family... It gallops!" seemed to fit right in.

Cast of Characters (aka "The Family")....

Teenaged Son (aka "the boy") - Tall, handsome young man always ready with a quick quip. Enjoys playing bass in his band, music (read iPod implanted permanently), and texting.

Grandma (aka "G-Ma") - Mid-sixtyish, enabler-extraordinaire. Embodiment of the Einstein's definition of insanity as "Doing the same thing over and over expecting different results". Agrees that she needs to allow the Brothers (see below) to experience the consequences of their decisions and then calls to sheepishly confess to digging one of them out of their latest catastrophe. "I had to buy him another car! If he lost his job, he might have to move back in! I know he didn't pay me back for the last one, but he's promised to work out payments this time. I'll just have to put off getting my teeth fixed a little longer... It doesn't hurt that much."

Twin Younger Brothers (aka "Brother1" & "Brother2") - Mid-thirties twins with... shall we say "challenges" that has left them permanently in a social, emotional mentality of early teen development. Both have to have the last word.... making their frequent confrontations of epic length. They split our father's manic-depression down the middle.... Brother1 is a depressive and Brother2 is a manic.

Brother1 - The depressive. Can be located by the dramatically, loud sigh that accompanies the mention of his name. Despite his somber personality, he often dresses with the flamboyance of a homeless, old queen. (note: he's straight) Case in point.... his outfit for Christmas consisted of bright red pants, bright green shirt, bright green fedora, a red, white, & green striped tie and a walking cane made of a dowel painted like a candy-cane. The outfit was actually fairly toned down for someone who has a leopard-print "smoking jacket" hanging on his bedroom door. He currently resides with G-Ma, but just while he trys to get custody of his two children so that he'll be eligible for a larger government-subsidized apartment when he does move out.

Brother2 - The manic. Can be located by the laughter bordering on hysteria that accompanies anything he says. Fascinated by uniforms, leading to his obsession with security work. Shades of Barney Fife. He's recently divorced (again) and falls into relationships at the drop of a conversation. His latest "girlfriend" according to G-Ma was a "relationship" based on chatting online for less then 30 minutes. His outfit for Christmas.... casual wear topped by a Santa hat and a huge grin.

TWolf (aka "Yours Truly") - Late-40s, single mother. Self-described geek with more of an affinity for computers and sci-fi then people. I grok, fondly remember the days of DOS, and scored a 45.36489% on the InnerGeek Test. I went through two marriages and several years of self-loathing before finally coming out as a lesbian. I'm a conservative, non-rainbow waving sort despite G-Ma's TV driven concerns about my "lifestyle". Said "lifestyle" in recent years consists of working long hours in front of computer screens and supporting my son's activities in both the school marching band and his garage band. G-Ma's seen more action of the last few years then have I. No one escapes my family without their fair share... I've struggled with mild agoraphobia (where thoughts of leaving the house brings on anxiety) and depression for years. The Boy claims I'm also bipolar just because his teenaged ways can make my mode change on a dime, but I'm pretty sure that's normal.

Next Post: Don't you dare Tweet that!