"Insanity doesn't run in my family.... It practically gallops!" - Cary Grant in "Arsenic and Old Lace" (1944) Venting an overflow of dsyfunctionality inspired by the Boy (aka my son) declaring "I really don't care... Blog it."
lEvery time I hear a "Crazy Frog" ringtone, my stomuch clinches and I have to take a few deep, calming breaths. You know the tone.... "BaDingDingDing..." annoyingly going on forever! It really only drives me crazy because for some sadistic reason it's the tone assigned to G-Ma on my cell phone. Yes, I could change the ringer, but then again why not use something that's already annoying rather then spoiling a perfectly good tone? Just G-Ma's name popping up has the same effect anyway.
Don't get me wrong... I love hearing from G-Ma. It's just that the resulting need to de-stress afterwards means that time must be planned out accordingly. A two hour window is the minimum requirement, as a solid hour must be allowed for the call itself. Accordingly, it's always best if I initiate the call... This allows me to first brew a pot of coffee, locate the asprin (handy in case chest pains or severe migrains occur), run to the corner store for an extra pack of cigarettes, and warn The Boy of the impending call. Once adequately prepared... little further is required from me. A simple "Hi, mom. How're you doing?" is all it takes to start this carny ride. Throw in a few "um-hummm"s and hold on!! Commenting... or thinking about it too much... well, to quote Admiral Akbar "It's a trap!" Though I must admit a lot of it is funny... too much can lead to symptoms strangely resembling a stroke.
"I went over to your brother's the other day. He hadn't cleaned up the place in days! You'd be proud of me though. I gave him a good piece of my mind about how he had to do better and the consequences of his behavior. It only took me 15 minutes to do those dishes! Why he puts these thing off, I'll never know!.... What are you laughing at?.... What do you mean you'll have to piss me off someday?"
"Your brother calls me all the time! He'll talk to me driving to work, when he's on his rounds, during his lunch break, driving home.... I swear he must call 20 times a day just to chat! I can't get anything done for answering the phone! Why he called me the other day driving home during a terrible snow storm! Had me so worried that he'd wreck talking on the phone! Seemed to take forever before he finally got home... talking all the way!... What?... Well I've tried hinting that I'm busy.... Hang up!! That would just be rude!"
(same brother... different day) "I haven't heard from your brother all day! I'm convinced something's wrong! Maybe I should drive over there... or call the hospitals.... I can't call his phone! He'll think I'm checking up on him!"
"Your brother insists on coming over here to call his ex-wife! It's so uncomfortable listening to them argue on and on... I've tried to tell his ex how to handle him, but she doesn't listen anymore then he does.... Well, he asks me to stay on the line after I call her for him.... Because she won't answer if she sees his number and he says he wants a witness. It's more of a control thing really so he can say 'You heard that!'. Of course I know I should let him handle it on his own.... You know how he gets... One wrong word and he'll argue for hours.... It's easier just to make the call. Otherwise he'll insist that I'm treating him like a child and nothing I say will pacify him!... Well, just wait until The Boy gets older... then you'll understand!" (Shoot me now!)
"Did I tell you that Brother2 went to court to get a restraining order on his ex? No?.... well, I went with him... he wouldn't tell me what'd been going on, but obviously she'd come by his place a few times. (his ex lives out of state)She wrote him a letter that he won't let me read. I was surprised when she and her father both showed up in court. The Judge was real patient with Brother2.... asking him if his ex had ever threatened him. He told her (thejudge) that she'd pushed him once. Eventually the Judge said that she had tried to find a reason to grant the restraining order, but just could find any evidence of abuse. She asked if he had anything else to add. The Judge had to call for order when he told her 'Well Judge... She keeps calling me, wanting me to come back... and... well.... I don't want her any more!' Why even the Court Bailiff had to cover his mouth to keep from laughing! The Judge did give his ex a lecture though and told her to quit bothering him."
"There was a bottle of peroxide in Brother1's bathroom. Well, he must have used it all up because there's an economy sized bottle sitting on the floor next to the toilet now. I asked Brother2 if I could ask a personal question.... Could that he be using that for.... something.... you know.... sexual?.... Why are you laughing?... I don't know what all guys do!.... Anyway, Brother2 suggested it might be for a body piercing that had gotten infected. No, Brother1's hasn't mentioned a piercing. So... we looked up body piercing and infections on the internet and Brother2 called a tatoo parlor to ask if someone would use peroxide for that.... You're laughing again!.... Ask him?!? That would just be too embarrassing..... don't you think?" (Now you know the full story)
"Well, I have to get off here. How're you all doing?.... That's nice. Hug The Boy for me. Love you.. Bye."
Deep, calming breaths.... Time to make that weekly call. Wish me luck!