"Insanity doesn't run in my family.... It practically gallops!" - Cary Grant in "Arsenic and Old Lace" (1944)
Venting an overflow of dsyfunctionality inspired by the Boy (aka my son) declaring "I really don't care... Blog it."


Black Plasma

They say the the human body is made up of over 55% water. My chemistry is a little more high-test then most, being composed mainly of thick, unadulterated java. My father worked for the railroad, a job which demanded that a pot of black coffee be brewing 24/7. I sure it was in the Transportation Union's rule book somewhere. And we’re talking railroad coffee here… Strong enough to remove any stray rust from the tracks. That’s what I was raised on and still require on a daily basis to lubricate what brain cells I have left.

At work the rule is that everything must be labeled on your desk. Ergo… I have a prominent spot on my desk marked off for my coffee cup. Being a bit of a wisenheimer, I thought long and hard over how to label my lifeline before narrowing it down to three choices. So I carefully folded some cardstock into a flip-able tri-folded sign bearing the labels “Java Chalice”, “Elixir of Life” and “Black Plasma”. Then because my favorite cup has become a permanent appendage, when removed from it’s place of honor you'll find a small label that reads… “Twolf is out of the office”. (I debated on placing a similar label on the seat of my chair, but thought better of it.)

Recently a new food service vendor took over the cafeterias at work. I strolled in one morning to refill my cup, took a sip and shuddered. Someone in their management had the audacity to replace the brewed coffee machine with one that serves instant! We’re talking terrible instant coffee. Their brewed coffee was barely strong enough to begin with, but this swill is more akin to mop water then to coffee. Why the vending machines serve better! I couldn’t drink it… which lead to a sharp drop in my productivity that day.

Coffee for me is honestly medicinal. My blood pressure runs so low that without a good dose of caffeine my entire system threatens to shut down. If I accidentally run out of coffee at home, a ultra-sonic signal proceeds my vehicle down the interstate to work forcing the other drivers to give wide berth for their own safety. Well… it would probably be a valuable safety option when you think about it.

This leaves me in a quandary. Unfortunately the rules don’t allow me to bring in a coffee pot. I tried to bring a thermos, but it was obviously too early in the morning (4:30) for my brain to remember a new step in its usual auto-piloted routine. The thermos sat on my counter several mornings. A couple of times I did remember to fill it, but it never made it out the door. Finally I broke down and brought in a (slightly) more palatable instant coffee to use… leaving it in the car so that it would actually make it to work. (I’m not mentioning the two days that it took for me to remember to take it to my desk.)

Remember my new toy… the personal vaporizer (or electronic cigarette) that I recently took up instead of smoking that I mentioned in a previous post? Thankfully the cafe mocha flavored nicotine juice that I’ve been puffing away on is full-bodied and flavorful. If I close my eyes, take a puff and then quickly slurp down some of what passes for coffee, maybe I can fool myself long enough to make it through a few more days. If you see a story on the news about some loony holding hostages in a factory lunchroom demanding a keg of Starbucks and a straw… remember me fondly.


  1. Coffee is great...especially in abundance! LOL.

  2. I'm still a "green plasma" drinker. Haven't been able to get used to the coffee taste, so I do the near 6-pack of Mountain Dew a day.

  3. When I lived in Atlanta I made the mistake of trying Starbucks coffee and I got hooked. It spoiled me and I couldn't drink 'regular' coffee any more. I loved my coffee strong and black. When I moved to Seattle I was in coffee heaven.
    Now I've aged and my caffeine makes me too edgy but I still buy Starbucks decaf. I loved the taste.

    P.s. I don't see an email address for you. I wanted to let you know that I'm trying something different at The King's Arse. I'm introducing some new characters based on my followers. If you don't like what I'm doing let me know and I'll edit it.

  4. I was you 15 years ago when I worked the 9 to 5 corporate rat race. Your retro poster described my morning mood before my cup of Java. At my office, it brewed 24-7 and was only 12 steps from my office. Yes, I actually counted them. Now that I work at home, I satisfy my craving with Stop and Go mart coffee three times a week.

    I'm on the other blood pressure spectrum, I have to keep my pressure down. So, I've conformed to 3/4 decaf and the rest real Java. I know... but I still get my java need satisfied.

    Don't worry... somebody will talk you down. Funny post!

  5. HA! Yeah I am a Starbucks junkie. So much so that daughter (a Barista) provides me with my fix; pounds of coffee I keep in my office that I brew just pour moi. No one else gets my elixer. All mine!!!! (insert evil laugh here)

    I would quit if they took away my coffeemaker.

  6. Good luck with it! I really relate to the leaving things on the counter or in the car for days on end.


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